Bus To No Where
by Bri Yami-neko
Summary: Chap2 up! Since it's no longer just about the bus, I gotta put a new summary. I'm awful at summaries. Err....Remy and John's adventure to Oz? Or something. Just read!
1. Of Bus Stops and Insanity

Author's Note: This is a seriously random burst of insanity. I thought of it on a family vacation that included a six-hour car drive. After six hours alone with my parents and siblings, can you really blame me for writing senseless things?  
  
Gambit: Yes. Yes I can.  
  
Oh, yeah. See apparently somewhere along the six-hour drive, Gambit picked up residence in my head. I have no idea why. None. He's my best friend's favorite character, not mine. But, oh, well. He's here. So he gets to star in this story! Lucky him.  
  
Gambit: You hate Gambit, don't you?  
  
Anyway..Let's see.I know there was something else I was supposed to put in here..Oh, yeah! I don't own X-Men Evolution. I thought maybe I could use mass hypnotion to make everyone think I owned X-Men Evolution, but before I could figure out if it worked or not, someone stole my mass hypnotion device. Gambit says it wasn't him, but I have my doubts.  
  
Gambit: *sliding shadowy object underneath the bed* Gambit has no idea what you're talking about.  
  
Uh-huh. Okay, I think this Author's Note has gone on long enough. On to the random series of sentences that I call a story!  
  
The Bus To No Where  
  
The first thing that Remy LeBeau noticed when he found himself slowly drifting back into the waking world was just how incredibly hot it was. He forced one eyelid to peel back and immediately regretted it, slamming it closed again. Spots still danced on the inside of his closed eyelids, the remainder of the bright light that was outside. Remy licked his lips and wasn't surprised to realize he had very little saliva left.  
Once the spots faded from his eyesight, he attempted to open his eyes again, widening them in a very small crack. Sunlight streamed through, blinding him for a moment. When his vision cleared, he opened his eyes the rest of the way. Directly in front of him was a dirt road, continuing on to his left and right as far as he could see. Beyond that was nothing. Just empty, flat, boring dust. And the occasional weedy-looking plant bush thing. But no one cares about those.  
The object he had been sleeping on appeared to be a bench, covered with peeling green paint. His trenchcoat was on the bench beside him, and next to the bench was a sign that read 'Bus Stop.' That was it. Just 'Bus Stop.' No name of a town, no state, no indication of any sort about where he was.  
For that was the big problem. Remy had absolutely no idea where he was. Or why he was there in the first place. The last thing he remembered was fighting with Sabertooth over the last bowl of Cheerios for breakfast.No, wait, he vaguely remember Magneto getting all pissed off about something or other. Something St. John had done, like blown up another microwave. Yeah. And then Buckethead had called a meeting.And that was it. So what was he doing on a bus stop on the middle of nowhere?  
He stood shakingly. Apparently whatever had got him out here had left his limbs stiff as well. He looked around again, as if hoping he would see something that hadn't been there before, then sighed and fell back on to the bench. He was contemplating exactly how he was going to get out of there when he heard the distant sound of an engine. He sprang up again, looking down the road with hope.  
Sure enough, in a few minutes a bus came trundling along the dirt road, dust billowing all around it. It pulled to a stop in front of him and Remy eagerly grabbed his coat and climbed up the stairs. The doors snapped closed behind him, nearly catching the end of his pants. He jumped, then calmed himself and approached the bus driver, a grumpy looking man with brown hair that looked to be in his mid-forties.  
"Excuse me Bus Driver Person." Remy started, but was interrupted when the bus driver tapped a sign posted on the dashboard with his right index finger.  
Remy peered at it and discovered it read, 'Welcome! Your Bus Driver Today Is Larry.'  
"Oh. Well den, Larry, where exactly is dis bus going?" Remy asked.  
Larry tapped another sign posted next to the first one. This one proclaimed 'Don't Talk To The Bus Driver.'  
Remy blinked. "But, you see, Gambit is sort of lost and needs very much to know where dis bus is headed."  
Larry tapped the sign again, more irritably this time.  
"Yes, yes, don't talk to de bus driver. But you're not driving de bus right now and." Remy was cut off again as the bus lurched forward and he nearly fell on his butt. "Fine. Remy can see when he is not wanted."  
Remy walked down the bus aisle, stopping at the first empty seat he saw, which happened to be next to a very sweet looking old lady.  
"Excuse me, ma'am, is it okay if Remy takes dis seat?" Remy asked.  
The old lady smiled kindly up at him and replied sweetly, "Of course not, sweetheart. This seat is for my change purse." She set a small purple change purse down on the empty seat.  
Remy stared at her for a moment, then moved on. The next empty seat he came to was by a very pretty blonde girl. He smiled charmingly.  
"Hello, there, chere, is dis seat taken?" He asked.  
She smirked prettily back at him. "Only if it's taken by you, doll."  
He grinned and sat down. "So, where is dis bus headed?"  
She punched him lightly in the shoulder. "Oh, you're silly! You can't fool me with that pick-up line. Who would get on a bus without knowing where it was going?"  
"Err..right." Remy replied. "Why are you going dere, den?"  
"Oh you sweet thing! You don't know?" She asked.  
"If Remy knew, would he have asked?" He questioned, looking confused.  
  
She grabbed him by the arm and hugged him close. "Why, I'm going there to be married, sillygoose!"  
Remy tried to peel her off, liking this less and less. "Really? Dat's nice. Remy is sure de groom is a lucky man." He commented absently, trying to get her away.  
She giggled. "Of course you are! And we're going to live happily ever after with two point five children!"  
Remy gaped at her, then jumped up and tore off down the bus. When he thought he had gotten far enough, he started looking for empty seats again. He spotted one by a large man with a brown ponytail and hesitantly started over.  
"May Remy have dis seat?" He asked the man carefully.  
"You may." The man replied.  
Relieved, Remy started to sit down. Before he could, however, the ponytailed man raised a hand.  
"If," he said, "you can answer me these questions three. Question the First: Where wouldst thou go if I requested a hypo-crystalline sword?"  
Remy stared at him, then slowly began inching away.  
"Hey, where are you going? You haven't answered Question the First yet!" The man informed him.  
Remy broke into a run yet again. He began wondering exactly how long this bus was when he slowed. The next empty seat he came to was by a small white kitten who was staring out the window. Sighing, Remy sat next to the kitten.  
"Remy don't suppose you know where dis bus is going?" He asked the kitten absently.  
The kitten stiffened, then very slowly turned around. Its eyes glowed red as it spotted Remy and it hissed loudly, baring fangs and slashing at him with a claw. Remy jumped out of his seat and began running again.  
The kitten stared sadly after him. "Oh, damn, I came on too strong again, didn't I? I'm just so lonely.."  
Remy stopped by a handrail to catch his breath. "Remy must be dreaming. Yes, dat's it, it's all a dream. Now all Remy has to do is wake up." He pinched his arm, then slapped his cheek. When that didn't work, he began hitting his head against the side of the bus.  
"Remy, mate, what in bloody hell are you trying to do? Kill yourself?" A familiar voice called.  
Remy glanced up to see St. John sitting in a bus seat, staring at Remy as if the Cajun was a little insane. Remy bounded up and dashed over to the pyro, hugging him tightly.  
"Damn is Remy glad to see you!" Remy informed him.  
John pushed him away, staring at him as if he was a lot insane now. "What the hell is up with you?"  
"Dese passengers are all insane." Remy replied as he sat down next to John. "Where are we going, anyway?"  
John looked out the window, then back to Remy again. "To Oz, of course. Remember? Where else would we go to see the wizard?"  
Remy looked at him for a very long time, then nodded. "Oh. Yes. Of course. Oz. Right." He continued to murmur to himself as he sat back in his seat.  
John patted his shoulder. "It's all right, mate, you'll remember when we get there."  
  
Author's Note 2: Yes, it's me again. Forgot two more things I don't own. The first passenger and the third passenger are from the Simpsons. Very funny show. Okee, well, this is the end of the first chapter.Not sure if this is a one time thing I wrote on my brother's laptop in a hotel room at 1 AM or if I should actually continue this.Opinions, anyone? Oh, and ideas are welcome.I'm still not exactly sure why Remy and John are on the bus. So go ahead and review! You know you want to!  
  
Gambit: No, no, no.You don't want to. If you don't review she won't write any more of dis thing!  
  
Ignore him. Review! 


	2. Of Bad Accents and No Where

Author's Note: I actually got a few replies to this. I think I'm in shock. Anywho, through various TV shows, movies, and real life experiences, I got the idea(s?) for this chapter, so I went ahead and wrote it. ^_^  
  
Gambit: You, chere, are not allowed near anymore TVs, computer, magazines, books, or friends. You are to sit in your room /not/ tinkin' of fanfiction ideas.  
  
Yes, Gambit is still here. And not being helpful. I know have sufficient evidence to believe Gambit /did/ steal my mass hypnotion device and is hiding it, so I still don't own X-Men Evolution.  
  
Gambit: Chere, would Gambit lie to you?  
  
Yes. I know I butchered Gambit's accent, by the way.And no, I won't be doing John's. The only reason I attempted Gambit's is 'cause I figured I could just replace every 'th' with a 'd'. Obviously, accents are not my thing.  
  
Gambit: Obviously.  
  
Oh, and thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter. Cdragon: Yeah, the John blow up a microwave thing has probably been used before, but oh, well. I like Remy/John-ness, too.It's fun to write. And I was going for Remy seeming more sane.At least in that chapter. And yup, he's the comic book guy. ^_^ There's another little part in here from that episode of the Simpsons. Dai-chan: Don't worry, no one will steal your guy, woman, man, or otherwise. He's still all yours, seeing as I sort of value my life. Although I'm sure thousands of other fangirls now want to kill me. It's a lose/lose situation, here. Flamingo: Really? You thought it was that funny? Coolies! ^_^ Thanks. Don't worry, I never listen to Gambit. And I hope not.Gambit as my muse would be terrifying.  
  
Gambit: For Gambit, maybe.  
  
Ahem. I think this Author's Note has gone on even longer than the first chapters..Sorry about that. I tend to ramble. But that's okay, seeing as most people tend to skip over the Author's Note and go right on to the story. I'm sure they're ticked at me for making them scroll down so much. Oh, well. Sorry?  
  
Chapter Two  
  
"All right, everybody for Springfield, get your asses off my bus!" Larry shouted, opening the bus doors.  
John and Remy watched as most of the passengers got off. The bus took off again, and John turned to Remy.  
"So you really don't remember nothing, mate?" John asked.  
Remy nodded. "Most o' de day is jus' one big blank. Last ting Remy remembers is Magnet-head's meetin' and den de bus stop."  
"Boy, you really are screwed." John commented.  
"You going t'explain, though, right?" Remy asked.  
John laughed, as if Remy had told a great joke. Then he paused. "Oh, you were serious. What, and ruin the fun? Nah, I think I'll let you figure it out yourself."  
Remy stared. He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately. "Remy always knew there was something he didn't like about you."  
"Aww, no hard feelings, mate. I just wanna have a little fun." John replied.  
Remy crossed his arms. "At Remy's expense?"  
"That's the only kind of fun there is, mate." John said seriously. "And, for some reason, I just sounded like bloody Captain Jack Sparrow. I think someone's seen Pirates of the Caribbean too many times."  
Remy considered that. "You did sound a little like him. Maybe you should tink about not sayin' 'mate' so much. Remy tinks dat's what does it."  
"Yeah, well, maybe I should say 'crickey' more, too. Then I could sound like the bloody Crocodile Hunter instead." John said, tapping his chin in thought.  
"Damn it, you two aren't getting off here?" Larry shouted suddenly. "You realize you are the last two on the bus and if you just got off here I wouldn't have to go to the last stop?"  
"Isn't that kind of illegal?" John asked.  
"Not if no one finds out about it." Larry replied, glaring at them.  
"Err.Remy won't tell a soul?" Remy offered.  
Larry turned his glare solely on Remy and tapped the 'Do Not Talk To The Bus Driver' sign.  
"Yeah, we won't tell anyone." John agreed, not noticing the sign tapping.  
"Good." Larry commented, then closed the doors, muttering under his breath about lousy kids that cost him an extra half an hour. "Next and last stop: No Where."  
"Nowhere? How can a bus go nowhere?" Remy demanded.  
Larry rolled his eyes, sighed, and tapped the sign.  
"What de.But you were jus' talkin' t'John!" Remy yelled.  
Larry muttered under his breath again and.tapped the sign.  
"Wait a second, No Where? I thought this bus went to Oz! Hey, mate," John paused, looking horrified. "Crickey, I did it again!" He exclaimed, then went back to talking to Larry. "Isn't this bus number 16?"  
"16? Nope. This is 16A." Larry replied. "Every Thursday, 16 goes off duty and 16A takes her place."  
Remy crossed his arms across his chest and opened his mouth. Larry raised his arm, holding his finger right in front of the sign. Remy closed his mouth, and Larry put his arm down. Then Remy opened his mouth again and up went Larry's arm.  
"No dis is not fair." Remy stated, while Larry tapped away at his sign.  
"You're right, ma....er...Remy. It isn't." John agreed, pulling out a bus schedule. "No where on here does it say that bus 16 switches off with bus 16A."  
Larry shrugged. "Them's the breaks. Now, here's No Where. Get off!"  
John sniffed and picked up his backpack. "I will be making a most grievous complaint about the conduct of this bus's driver when we get back to Bayville!"  
"Oh, no, don't.My boss said he'd fire me if I did it again. Please step off the bus, sir?" Larry offered.  
John nodded and walked off the steps. "That's better."  
Remy paused at the top of the stairs. "You know, Remy will be makin' a complaint, too."  
Larry glared and tapped the sign.  
"Oh, for the love of." Remy muttered as Larry tapped harder. The Cajun tossed his coat over his shoulder, turned his nose up in the air, and walked off the bus, where he promptly turned around and flashed the driver and not so nice hand signal.  
Larry waved cheerfully to John, then stuck his tongue out at Remy, tapped the sign, and drove off.  
John waved after him. "Nice fellow, wasn't he?"  
"Nice? /Nice/?" Remy said in disbelief.  
John nodded. "Glad you agree. Now, let's see.Where are we?"  
"Nowhere." Remy replied sarcastically.  
"Oh, yes! Of course." John said, pointing behind Remy. "Now I see."  
Remy turned around to see what might have been a town. It consisted of a medium-sized, run down motel, something that was either a diner or a bar, a gas station with a Food Mart, and a tiny little shack-like house far off in the distance. In front of a dirt road leading through all this was a sign that read 'No Were'. The 'H' had fallen off and rested on the ground below the sign.  
John started forward, only to be held back as Remy grabbed his wrist.  
  
"Where are you goin'?" Remy asked.  
"Uhh.To ask if anyone knows how to get to Oz from No Where?" John tugged his wrist free and headed into the town.  
"Remy tinks dis is a bad idea." Remy commented as he caught up to the pryo.  
John snorted. "Uh. What is it with men and asking for directions?"  
There was a very long pause. Then, "Remy is going t'pretend he didn't hear that."  
"Hear what?" John asked, staring at him. "What the bloody hell are you talking about, mate?"  
Remy looked at him, debating his response. Finally, he settled for, "You did it again."  
"Damn it!" John swore.  
"What happened t'crickey?" Remy asked.  
"Gotta keep up the PG-13 rating." John replied, then added as an afterthought. "By crickey."  
"Uh-huh. So, what about des directions?" Remy said, starting forward again.  
"Oh, so now you want to ask for directions. When I suggested it, it was all, 'Nooo, this is a bad idea. Don't ask for directions, John.' But now that /you've/ suggested it, of course, it's a good idea." John muttered, snorting again. "Men."  
Remy stopped again. "Okay, seriously now. You need to stop dat. You're beginning to freak Remy out."  
"Stop what? Walking? Walking scares you? Okay, then, m-Remy, whatever gets your fire going. I'm going to go to that bar over there and find someone who knows where we are." John said slowly, in a 'I'm talking to two- year-olds who don't understand me or crazy people who might attack me' sort of tone.  
Remy stared after him, then shrugged and followed him. "Remy tinks it looks more like a diner."  
  
Author's Note: Okay, this chapter's a little shorter than my last one, But I've got my brother in here who wants me to watch a movie with him, so I'm putting the diner/bar scene I had planned in the next chapter.  
  
Gambit: Wonderful. Dere's already another chapter planned.  
  
Yupyup! Actually, there's a couple more chapters planned. Not sure exactly how many. Oh, and I don't own No Where.I think that's an actual city.At least, that's what my brother tells me. Anywho, despite what Gambit says, review!  
  
Gambit: Don't!  
  
If you hate being in my fics so much, why don't you leave my head and let the cuter X-Men back in? *coughKurtcoughcough*  
  
Gambit: *silence*  
  
That's what I thought. 


End file.
